WUMISI – s/t
11.3.17 by Mike Haley

Oh, brother. Looks like my old Hi-Fi is on the fritz again… Maybe the springs are on too tight? Or too loose?? Not being a mechanic I have no clue how stereo systems function, but I do know that something has definitely gone sour, because this WUMISI cassette from OJC is hurdling all over the dang place. Fast forwarding and rewinding on it’s own like a doggone spirit from the ever after has taken it over. Lordy, I hope it’s a spring issue and not a ghost outbreak. Springs are way less scary. While I get a repair tech on the horn, and a Catholic priest in case I need the power of Christ to compel this thing, I’ll listen to WUMISI on Bandcamp I suppose.

…

Uh oh! Sounds like my computer has been zapped by a virus! Have these 400lb hackers no decency!? [Speaking of 400lb hackers, is that one on the cover? Talk about foreshadowing.] Looks like my poor soundboard doesn’t know if it’s coming or going, and is probably loaded down with every worm, spam, and Trojan pony in the book. I think WUMISI plays //okay// sometimes, and it squeezes out these contorted musical thoughts, but then it’s Sour Patch theater with a zillion child actors. Well, time to at minimum defrag my entire hard drive. I may even need to run VirusBozo 6.9 and really scrub the Russian bots out of this fella.

[VirusBozo6.9 ### status: ACTIVE! ### Progress: 42.0% out of 103%]

VirusBozo added a feature called Dead-Link Swiffer® to this latest version. Supposedly it cleans all the dead links off of your internet, leaving a fresh lemon scent and coupons for Swiffer® Antibacterial Wipes. Anyway, it takes a few days to run, so while that is happening I’ll go grab my Zune and play the MP5’s I downloaded earlier…

…

You’re not gonna believe this. The files are corrupted! It just sounds like an injured squirrel was granted one wish from an Oak tree that came to life and the squirrel said “I want to be music.” Just an injured squirrel… Poorly morphed into music. At one point I sorta made out the Sanford And Son theme song, and let me tell you this – I had NO CLUE that was a dang Quincy Jones song! Now THAT is a song. You could listen to the Sanford And Son theme for weeks and never think “this is an injured squirrel.” It just ain’t gonna happen, people. But WUMISI? Now that is an injured squirrel, hyper-accelerated and about to go BOOM!

[telephone rings]

Gotta go, that’s my priest, Father Francis Wumisi…. Wait a second!