Fifteen Cassette Commercials
9.24.13 by Mike Haley
You’re probably not gonna scope any blank cassette commercials on TV this week, but when they were going they were going strong. Here are fifteen examples of how great/absurd they were.
1. The Usual, Sir
Alright, let’s start this off with a classic, shall we? This is probably the most iconic cassette commercial of all time. And don’t give me that “I didn’t have a TV growing up” bullshit. You saw this.
2. The Odd Couple
This is a good one because even though Professor Sweater despises his neighbor, he still knows the specifics of what blank tapes he uses. That is what makes a community. I’m afraid we’ve lost that.
3. Domino Rally
The domino run is nice. The little figure taking a piss at 0:22 is nicer. The final tape in the line is amazing. I don’t care if it’s fake or not. I want to believe.
4. The Sound I Hear Back
Other than the bass voice, fancy sports car, and lavish playboy look, I consider myself to be a modern day John Laws. Also, who the fuck is John Laws?? Besides my new hero.
5. The Most Sophisticated Of Systems
Man, the 80’s…. Am I right?
6. Dear John
You gotta feel bad for Gallagher. I mean, sure. He’s a straight up dweeb. But he seems like a nice guy, and he’s fighting for his country. Even if it’s one of the bobo countries that nobody cares about.
7. Hot Teens
Dude, take a look at these young people! Their hip, they have nice cars (uh, with FLAMES!), and is that a leather jacket with no shirt?! Sign me the hell up!
8. Is It Chuck Mangione Or Is It Memorex?
Ella Fitzgerald was known as the Queen of Jazz. She won (among many other awards) thirteen Grammys (including a Lifetime Achievement), a Presidential Medal of Freedom, and the very first Society of Singers Lifetime Achievement Award which was named “Ella” in her honor. Sometime in the 80’s she was asked to indicate whether she could tell Chuck Mangione from a recording. Take a moment to appreciate life.
9. I Get It
I do. I get it. If you don’t get it, then you just don’t get art. You see, what Andy is doing here is… He’s holding a mirror up to… He’s twisting the very idea of fame so… I don’t get it.
10. Double Dose Of Bee Gees
I don’t know who the current equivalent of the Bee Gees are, or if there even can be one, but this makes me wonder if a popular band is doing CDr commercials in Japan right now.
11. In Another World
Holy shit. Sheree Da Costa was FEELING TDK tapes! Through her system at that. When was the last time you felt like this about anything? Now I just need to find out where to get those intense headphones.
12. She’s Got A Flamethrower
Okay, so the friend from Boy Meets World has a motorcycle in his bedroom and his mom has regular access to a flame thrower. And this situation, where she barges in and sets his boombox on fire, happens so often he has stocked up on them. That’s pretty tight.
13. Must Buy Tapes. Must Buy Tapes.
This must contain some sort of subliminal message. Either that or it’s a beta version of the flying toasters screensaver. I’m hungry. Who want’s tapes?
14. Deck Hates Punk
Geez, this tape deck didn’t know how good it had it. If it thought those Germs demos and live Circle Jerk cassettes were offensive to it’s system, it’s gotta be straight H-A-T-I-N-G some spray painted HNW.
15. Epic Drive
Let’s close with a reminder of how baller the Maxell dude is: When he isn’t at home, getting cassettes served up by his butler, he’s driving a car through space. That’s the life he lives. I think the Marlboro Man just rode a horse and died of cancer.