Tabs Out

Dechirico – Please Don’t Let the Universe End Just Yet
1.7.19 by Ryan Masteller

This is the exact body of the email I wrote to my congressman just a couple of months ago:

Dear Congressman:

Please don’t let the universe end just yet.

Sincerely,
Ryan

How in the world did Dechirico know? How could there possibly have been overlap? Did Dechirico have access to my emails? Did I forget to properly password-protect my server? This could be a big deal – there’s been a lot of talk lately about the importance of emails and server safety. I don’t want to go to prison or anything.

Also in my email:

Dear Congressman:

Do you like krautrock? If you listened to some krautrock, maybe you’d mellow out a little bit.

Sincerely,
Ryan

… You’re seeing this too, right? I’m not going crazy? Look, we live in some strange times, but this is a little too close to the mark for my liking. How does Dechirico know I dig krautrock to such a degree that I’d risk making a fool of myself in front of my own congressman? And it’s true: I listen to Neu! an awful lot. Tangerine Dream. The old Vangelis stuff. Kraftwerk, duh. And Dechirico loves all these bands too, you can totally tell. Gleaming metallic rhythms, futuristic synthesizers, beauty in repetition. But there’s something about “Universe” that’s different, something fundamental that sets it apart …

It’s humanness.

That’s right, Dechirico has blood pumping in actual veins that lead to an actual heart; lungs inhale oxygen and exhale carbon monoxide. There’s a brain in which synapses fire instructions to various body parts. Chances are that Dechirico is either eating, sleeping, or taking a dump right at this very moment. Now THAT’S human. So instead of passionless robots, we’ve got a pulse, an emotive center in a being that cares just enough that it requests of someone, something to allow the universe to exist for just a little while longer. Maybe there’s something Dechirico has to do, or something Dechirico has to tell someone. At any rate, we can thank Dechirico for addressing this important question, putting it in writing, in song, right out there for anyone to heed.

Now, if someone could only reach the cold steel mechanism my congressman calls a heart, that would be great.

Grippity grip this tippity tip [tape] from Bonding Tapes!

The Last Ambient Hero – Under the Same Sky
1.4.19 by Ryan Masteller

Armed with superior skill, our hero returns – The Last Ambient Hero, a superbeing gifted with the ability to create the densest and most intricate ambient soundscapes humanity has ever heard. Deploying “Under the Same Sky” from a hidden base in Manchester, England, the LAH seeks to defeat the crushing evil of indifference, the vast villainy of boredom, the insidious machinations of only-half-paying-attention. How, you say, can only one person fight the good fight against the wickedness of subpar ambient music? How can a single entity pry the attention of world’s masses from EDM and Mariah Carey? The Last Ambient Hero has a secret weapon in his toolbelt: tape loops.

Employing this newfound technique over the length of an EP, the LAH blankets the earth with magnetic rain, coating the planet with a calming atmosphere of soft drones and gently shifting synthesizer patches. Thus the population falls under a benevolent trance, drifting through existence encased pleasantly in a vaporous cocoon of tone. We are all “Under the Same Sky,” as it were, no longer influenced by gritty or agitating music, no longer staring blankly into the depths of Muzak hell. I think we’ll have to call this newfound utility of the LAH’s a success – I’m certainly having a better day because of the great work of the Last Ambient Hero.

“Under the Same Sky” is available in an edition of 20 from the Hero’s own Bandcamp page.