mike

KFM – \\\fail
11.28.17 by Mike Haley

I don’t know much about computers. I’ve never seen the 1995 crime-drama Hackers, and the only thing I remember from The Net is when Sandra Bullock’s character Angela orders a pizza from the site pizza.net. I do have strong memories of playing, very well I might add, a game called Jezzball on Windows 3.11. That, and being reminded by my dad to constantly defrag. We were ALWAYS defragging. Maybe all of that obsessive defragging paid off, because I never had a computer shit out on me. I did manage to spill an entire cup of coffee into the works of my current HP, but technical support somehow managed to de-coffee all of the motherboards and had me surfing sites like pizza.net in no time.

It would appear that KFM has not been #blessed with such luck. “My piece of shit hard drive died, leaving me with these unfinished tracks.” That is how KFM describes “\\\fail.”  I suppose it’s far too late to contact any of the computer repair services in his hometown of Millville, NJ. I wont even suggest defragging at this point. What’s done is done and these 20 tracks have been put out into the world. So are they unfinished? I mean, there existence would suggest that they are finished, right? There is no going back to that piece of shit hard drive to collect whatever was on it. The tape is out. It is finished. But is anything really finished? I’d wager one could trot on over to a record store in Millville right now and pick up multiple variants of “Rumours” with contrasting remasterings, retoolings, and audio defraggings. Would you consider “Rumours” to be “finished?” Do you want to get high and have that conversation? No? Okay…

“\\\fail” is not “Rumours.” And finished or unfinished, it’s an excellent collection of music with an ever-swaying emotional disorder. I wouldn’t recommend jamming this for your crew though. Let’s consider it alone music. The synthesizers will sometimes throw you behind the wheel of a super fancy 1990’s sports car, but sometimes they’ll jam you on a packed city bus next to a guy with nose crusties. One second you’re marveling at how moisturized your skins is, then some creep is whispering to you about anal sex. Seriously, there is a song called “a s s p l a y” with decelerated conversations about anal sex. And you know what? It’s not just listenable. It’s really good! KFM manages to make that something worth listening to. But, like I said, these are alone songs. I guess you could attempt a group listen… You could sit in the middle of a circle of friends, playing “\\\fail” on a shitty boombox while doing live commentary. “Okay, you guys remember that squiggly techno thing? Okay. Okay. Here comes some squiggly Faith No More type booger. Okay. Okay.” It wont end well. You’ll just look weird.

Now everyone defrag and head on over to pizza.net to buy a copy of this (un)finished cassette tape, which was made in an edition of 100 by the way.

Map Collection – Jao Dub
11.9.17 by Mike Haley

Do you remember the episode of Star Trek: TNG when Fletcher Pratt and Curt Brown randomly beamed aboard Enterprise, interrupting the recording of a Captain’s Log? It’s an extremely rare episode titled “Jao Dub” that aired during season 8 or 9… Maybe 10? Known by a superfan (ie: me) as the one where Picard mumbles “oh shit” 11 times, it begins with Starfleet investigating what they foolishly confuse as distress signals from a small Class M planet nearby. After tracking down the curdling cry for help the crew scans the planet’s life signals, when *POOF* Pratt & Brown appear on the bridge, startling poor Picard who spills his tea, Earl Grey, hot all over his uniform. Before Worf can even attempt to neutralize the situation, the duo takes over command of the ship and starts exploring it’s controls through excellent touch-screen menus. The following 30 commercial-free minutes, which were only televised once before all original recordings were allegedly destroyed, was raw footage of Map Collection wall-to-walling all of Enterprise with a nectarous dub experience. Naysayers will proclaim this all to be gibberish. They’ll say this never actually happened in the TNG universe. They’ll claim there were only seven seasons of TNG. They’ll ask you nicely to leave the convention. They’ll say “take your hands off of Mr. Wheaton!” They’ll have security set their tasers to tase and tase you.

But here’s my question: If the infamous “Jao Dub” episode is a sham, a ruse, a fig newton of my imagination, then how do you explain the soundtrack for the episode released on Midori Records on cassette tape format?!? […pause for drama..] And like Picard you mumble “oh shit.”

Anyone familiar and smitten with Pratt and/or Brown’s various works (alone or in pairs) will sink right into Map Collection. “Jao Dub” is krauty sometimes, peculiar most of the time, and always confusingly satisfying. It’s no wonder why Gene Roddenberry hand picked them himself for the episode. No strangers to the off-brand wing of kosmiche dub stylings and syntheizer wrangling, Map Collection squeeze out their musical souls like a 10.1 oz tube of clear silicone caulk. Thick and gooey they run beads of their mutant rhythms, tempting enough to slush your thumb into like wet wads of pineapple Bubble Yum, but globs upon globs would stick to your skin if you did that, plus time becomes a loop very often here, so just relax. I’d bet even Data would vibe out and nod along to sections, which is a pretty big deal. Map Collection keep this entire zone infected with scrambles and pops. Little ugly cousin sounds that pester the scene, but in a good way! Nothing like Tribbles, which I know is not TNG and I apologize to anyone who was offended by the reference.

So who are you gonna believe? Me with all of my PROOF or that asshole Wil Wheaton who can’t even spell his name right?

WUMISI – s/t
11.3.17 by Mike Haley

Oh, brother. Looks like my old Hi-Fi is on the fritz again… Maybe the springs are on too tight? Or too loose?? Not being a mechanic I have no clue how stereo systems function, but I do know that something has definitely gone sour, because this WUMISI cassette from OJC is hurdling all over the dang place. Fast forwarding and rewinding on it’s own like a doggone spirit from the ever after has taken it over. Lordy, I hope it’s a spring issue and not a ghost outbreak. Springs are way less scary. While I get a repair tech on the horn, and a Catholic priest in case I need the power of Christ to compel this thing, I’ll listen to WUMISI on Bandcamp I suppose.

…

Uh oh! Sounds like my computer has been zapped by a virus! Have these 400lb hackers no decency!? [Speaking of 400lb hackers, is that one on the cover? Talk about foreshadowing.] Looks like my poor soundboard doesn’t know if it’s coming or going, and is probably loaded down with every worm, spam, and Trojan pony in the book. I think WUMISI plays //okay// sometimes, and it squeezes out these contorted musical thoughts, but then it’s Sour Patch theater with a zillion child actors. Well, time to at minimum defrag my entire hard drive. I may even need to run VirusBozo 6.9 and really scrub the Russian bots out of this fella.

[VirusBozo6.9 ### status: ACTIVE! ### Progress: 42.0% out of 103%]

VirusBozo added a feature called Dead-Link Swiffer® to this latest version. Supposedly it cleans all the dead links off of your internet, leaving a fresh lemon scent and coupons for Swiffer® Antibacterial Wipes. Anyway, it takes a few days to run, so while that is happening I’ll go grab my Zune and play the MP5’s I downloaded earlier…

…

You’re not gonna believe this. The files are corrupted! It just sounds like an injured squirrel was granted one wish from an Oak tree that came to life and the squirrel said “I want to be music.” Just an injured squirrel… Poorly morphed into music. At one point I sorta made out the Sanford And Son theme song, and let me tell you this – I had NO CLUE that was a dang Quincy Jones song! Now THAT is a song. You could listen to the Sanford And Son theme for weeks and never think “this is an injured squirrel.” It just ain’t gonna happen, people. But WUMISI? Now that is an injured squirrel, hyper-accelerated and about to go BOOM!

[telephone rings]

Gotta go, that’s my priest, Father Francis Wumisi…. Wait a second!

Draft Announces First Release In Three Years + Sale
11.1.17 by Mike Haley

Every bozo that bought a weirdo cassette tape in the 2009 – 2012 time period surely remembers Gift Tapes. Gift (RIP) did some veeeeeery 2009-2012 things in that period, like releasing cassettes by The North Sea/Charlatan (who ran Foxy Digitalis, RIP), Bee Mask (who ran Deception Island, RIP), and many more, announcing them all on the Fangs & Arrows message board (RIP). Gift drifted into the organic void, but not before spawning Draft. Draft was created as an outlet for non-magnetic tape offerings, though most of it’s output was just that. It too fell silent along with Gift around 2014. Well guess what, baby? Draft wasn’t dead after all! And it’s back! I know, very Stranger Things, right? [Sorry if that reference is whacked. I’m not really watching Stranger Things very closely]

Draft’s first release in three years in a solo tape by the person behind Gift/Draft, Jason E Anderson. Now this guy’s audio fingerprints are all over both labels (Spare Death Icon, Brother Raven, Harpoon Pole Vault, etc…), but “Truth” is his first solo appearance on the Draft imprint. The C60 appears to be caked over with many a droid-like, satisfying zaps and smacks. The sample posted, which you can stream below, is a disorienting modular slalom from Anderson while Ian Halloran reads from the 1980 book Metaphors We Live By. In an email from the label “Truth” was described as such…

“Truth” is Anderson’s most recent solo recording involving voice and synthesis, a common thread found within his work over the last 5 years. “Truth” was created using a computer running supercollider to send control voltages to a modular synthesizer from an audio interface, while Ian Halloran read from ‘Chapter 24: Truth’ of Metaphors We Live By into a microphone routed to a preamp and ring modulator within the synth. The work’s progression relies entirely on the interaction between semi-random patterns and Anderson’s manual shaping of sounds and cueing of patterns. The music consists entirely of modulated oscillators navigating the stereo field, punctuated by irregular fragments of text that vary in intelligibility.

But, wait! There’s more! Draft has lowered the prices on a grip of back catalog goodies, including the MUST GET Greg Davis “States (3)” for five bones?! Go to Draft and get what ya can get!

Jadapod – Fate1
10.27.17 by Mike Haley

Throw a rock out the window. Go ahead, I wont tell mom. Chances are you just bonked a cassette right in it’s spools. A beat-laced cassette, most likely, one that was minding it’s own business just trying to enjoy the weather. The next thing, KABLOOM! A rock cracks it’s shell. And all because some bozo-joker told you to throw a rock out the window… Shame. Maybe I WILL tell mom.

The reason I can be fairly certain that your rock cold cocked a tape, a breezy one soiled over with groove at that, is because they are everywhere! The man on the TV said that maybe someone brought one over from Europe or somewheres, with plans of keeping it as a pet, but eventually tired of it’s company and released the poor thing into the wild. Before anyone could even say “low pass filter” it was breeding with the local tapes. Aaaaaaand population BOOM! They don’t really need that much to survive either — A few samples, some humid loops — plus they can squeeze through holes small as a nickle. At least, that is what the man on TV said. Some folks, increasingly annoyed by their presence and past the point of ignoring them, get rid of ’em with a quick dub-over. Uncle Bert, I think he is on my mom’s side, he likes to make mixes of WASP and Nitro and shit like that over the little buggers to play in his car on the way to work. I think that is so cruel. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those PETV (People for the Ethical Treatment of Vaporwave) loons! I’m no militant! I just think some of them are rather fun to have around… Hell, some are GREAT to have around. Plus, what I’m about to tell you about, though perhaps Vwave adjacent, doesn’t live in the neighborhood.

I know, I know. You want to throw another rock out the window. I’m almost done with my tale. So a few days ago I stopped by Uncle Bert’s to borrow his potato gun and scoped a New Balance box overflowing with just those kind of tapes. He found the lot sauntering over his sodden vinyl collection like ticks on the family pup. They had no clue his music collection was pure trash, and were just about goners due to lack of samples, but one tenacious son of a gun seemed to be surviving. Even thriving! I couldn’t tell much from it’s markings – Jadapod, Fate1, Nextagelabel, Made In L.A. festooned the cover, with a grey & green box wrapping around the spine – so I took it home and popped it in the cassette deck because that is where they LOVE to play. It galloped like a dressage horse with a decorative swagger, though one that had been threatened by the Elmer’s people a few times that it may end up in the craft aisle. There were some points so gluey it was like we were already there, smack between the stencils and model clay. There was a crustiness to some of the songs, like a dusty loop tape with rheum buildup in it’s crannies playing over snappy synth blurble and bootleg Windows startup sounds. Occasionally soft spoken voices would wind through the room, breathing on your neck with their soup breath, but they were just there to sell Dilaudid to the disco and dirge clips.

This would turn out to be “Fate1” by L.A.’s Jadapod’s. Their upmteenth release, up until this point exclusively digital (including “Fate2” and “Fate3”, released in reverse order), but first on cassette. So what to make of this? Jadapod takes a dip into the Hot Tub Chrome Machine that is the cassette world with a breezy, beat-laced debut tape and this review razzes that zone’s overcrowdedness. Attempted irony gone flat? Simply rude?? Neither was my intention! For the record I want them to, in the word of Lisa Loeb, stay. If company wants to bring dishes like this to the party, ingredients finely chopped and seasoning just right, I say the more the merrier.

Everyone, that is everyone but Uncle Bert, should grab a copy!